nothing · is · fiction.

Audrey Kawasaki

http://www.audrey-kawasaki.com/galleries.php?g=1&r=62&p_id=468&page=1

such an amazing artist. all done on wood. The eyes.....

another place to leave. and im ready for it and excited for it and i'm just going for it. and im thinking about her. and hoping for later. and i write daily. about everything lately. not on paper. im impatient. this time I'm figuring it all out best i can. i take everything in, but I haven't picked up a pen
in ages. not ever these days.
I wonder maybe, if im just saving,
for the best way to phrase It.

I'm so far from where i've been. more lately it just gets colder; the waves swell, and hit the rocks, white foam and clams and star fish hold on, pushing more kelp to shore where we trip down to smoke and pop their heads with one foot to see how far the water goes.
You make me feel awkward and I would rather to talk to myself.
I could tell today just how she feels. shes drunk and he won't leave me alone. she left me notes and an email and she had nothing to worry about because i didn't, i wouldn't go.

I'm going to go for a bike ride in a bit, but i don't want him to see me. He makes me feel lonely. And i just want to hang out with Liz because we are friends and we've traveled so far together and i want to share my last night with her company because she's a fucking cool girl, but that fucking boy and his self-doubt, waddling behind me checking to see if I'm looking to please. but i can't because he asks for too much.
i sacrifice socializing to write and I think it's totally worth it.
Tofino is cool, hard to please, still easy to be.
Everyone that is cool has sifted the world and ended up with here.

I feel like he might have had a big part of ruining it for me.
but when things were good, liz and I went to hot springs which was hidden deep in the only perserved rainforst in canada. I saw sea otters and different whales and sea lions and went surfing and really fucking enjoyed life and me and liz had a sweet ass adventure getting here. but here and now im good to leave. I've swam in the pacific ocean and kissed a star fish and ate the clams i picked and got really fucking drunk a lot.
yea, cool..
now im headed to Van for my birthday and dale and damien and halloween.
peace for now. im hungry.

change of plans change of plans.

lets not look back, i won't look back.

the air is cold this morning on my big toe. it hangs loose from the tip of my shoe, and they just won't stay still on my feet. or maybe it's me, shaking, gleefully, I'm on the breeze, it carries me. and here we are just really kind of floating aimlessly. but wait, that's not all true, we have goals and places we want to be. we are headed somewhere, just not in any real hurry.

Kananaskis was bright and beautiful and cold in the mornings, isolating at night, and lonely during the days when everyone was off and away as always. i climbed a mountain and i drank from many waterfalls. I fell at the mercy of sweet music, and i gave in to drinking at the only bar submitting to the need of sociality. and really most honestly, i could not find a home in those people, in their conversation, the way it drifted, it was always drifting away, away from me.

I was counting the days, categorizing based on mood and moon. the night we decided it was time to go, everything was leaning all one way, minus that couple or a few really great days. I had an attack of panic earlier, it attacked my breath and my chest and I stopped dead, then everything started sinking down, filling my boots. my boots got so heavy, and I couldn't shake it. I couldn't walk straight or feel steady.

Liz and I got drunk as like everyone else every night in this little world, and it was a trashy night. someone stole my handkerchief, and that's when i knew that i could part with anything. I could leave it behind if I had to. anything that was adding to my heavy boots.

Eric was a delightful man who played all the right music; dylan and young and hank williams. He told me I was beautiful and listened to me play guitar like it was something significant, like he had paid good money for it, so he was going to enjoy it. I would only play for him, and he would usually join in. My last days were spent in the common room with Patrice and Eric and Dave who would get together every night to jam their fathers back into their hearts. Patrice played a stand up bass, that was heavy and full. Dave played a Ukulele; it was his grandfathers, and he would ting high notes behind everything, quietly and humbly filling his selfless position. Eric crooned country tunes through his lips and an old harmonica, his dad's, wooden with a gold tip. I would see them through the window at first and wait for them to have a smoke and join them, wherein they would sweetly smile and ask me to come play. and that's when i would come plays, always, and they encouraged me and slowed things down and taught me chords and told me i was wonderful and i was the only person who ever really actually came and played.
we had wonderful nights together. good energy, great energy.

Eric and I would sneak off into the darkness of the night at the end of the jams. We'd smoke a joint and sit in his car and trade music. he would show me a song and that would prompt me to show him one and this would be our time together for hours until it got so late i knew i wouldn't be able to wake up for work the next morning. and he was such a gentleman. He took care of me and brought me to the golf course where he lived, and we stayed up all night watching Dylan's life on the tv and then we'd go to bed, and there was never a second when there wouldn't be music. and he fell in love with me. little me. he loved my musical soul. he said he'd never met a girl who couldn't bare to live for anything else other than the emphatic vibrations of a guitar or an old man's weathered voice.

but he was leaving. he wouldn't be around anymore. he'd been there too long, and was going back east to start a band with his brother and to really actually start living.

The night we got drunk as like everyone else in this little world, we decided it was time to go. we both knew and we both felt it; that place was getting old.

okay... i will write more later. later. when i have time. i'm off to tofino now. it's been quite the trip. nanaimo sucks. by the way. alright. expect more soon.

bye for now.

If you're going to abandon me, do it quickly.
You're not stalling for me.
I need you to be blunt because all that sugar coated candy is rotting my teeth.

hi,